Repair does not require a dramatic rupture to get it started; it can begin anytime one is curious about what is going on with them. Much of repair involves the time consuming work of unpacking the unknown, hidden and buried regressive feelings exposed by a rupture.

We started off the year by introducing the 4R’s - Rupture, Regression, Repair and Resolution. This helpful easy-to-remember model was developed to effectively deal with internal and interpersonal upsets: to figure out what’s going on and to regain emotional balance. Last month, we focused on a Rupture - an unexpected incident/event - that occurred between Barb and Tim. This month, we will explore Regression - the reappearance of long-buried feelings that were awakened in each of them by their rupture. 

In 2014, we explored examples of how interpersonal upsets can regularly occur between and among our friends, spouses, family members, in-laws, and co-workers. Although these upsets are something we all experience, we often have no idea how they occur, much less how to untangle them. To start off 2015, we’ll track a single, initial upset to its eventual resolution within a series of four blog posts, focusing on the complexities of each step in the example and how they manifest within one’s own self and among others.

As holiday expectations awaken nostalgic feelings of how life could be and merge with “the stuff that dreams are made of,” disillusionment abounds. The power of these wistful longings can take us by surprise amidst the demands of our busy lives. As seen in the group interactions below, added bumps in the road can impose unsettling ‘shoulds’ that make it difficult to contain disappointment in a season when cheerfulness is the holiday norm.

We met Kara and Dave in the September 2014 blog post. At Dave’s request, they came for a couples session to check on how they were doing as newlyweds and then decided to continue couples therapy to strengthen their relationship. A big issue for Dave was his concern that Kara agreed with whatever he wanted without ever letting him know what she wants. Kara appreciated his honesty; however, she didn’t understand how her desire to please Dave didn’t make him happy.

Kristin is a 29-year old who appears to “have it all”: she is successful at work; she is popular with her colleagues and friends; and she has been with her boyfriend, Josh, for two years and anticipates a marriage proposal soon. Yet, she feels overwhelmed and inundated by the eagerness of her girlfriends, who seem certain about almost everything: when couples get engaged, how much time between the proposal and wedding, when to merge households, what type of wedding, where to honeymoon and so forth. Kristin’s secretly struggling because her preference has always been to accommodate the expectations of others rather than to make her own choices. 

Kara and Dave came in for a counseling session at his suggestion, just to make sure they were doing okay a little over a year into their marriage. They both described their relationship as being pretty easygoing and conflict-free. Kara said she thinks she is a good wife; she likes supporting Dave, and he likes her pampering attention. He just wishes she would let him pamper her too.

Chris is in his early 30s. A talented accountant, he’s succeeded in many areas of his life despite a less-than-ideal childhood. His father was a harsh and erratic disciplinarian and the whole family simply endured his volatile moods. Once Chris left for college and was able to distance himself from this unpredictable environment, he started to realize that he had real trouble letting his guard down enough to connect with others. After getting settled in a good job, he decided individual therapy might be beneficial. Therapy really helped him understand how his difficulties at home were complicating his life. 

Laurie and John are struggling with how best to discipline their generally well-behaved teenaged son, Sam. They share similar views on parenting except when it comes to discipline. Specifically, they are at odds with each other about grounding Sam. Both John and Laurie’s parents grounded them as adolescents. While John didn’t like being grounded, he appreciates the merit of his parents’ methods now. Laurie’s memories of being grounded remind her how painfully harsh her parents acted by giving the emotional equivalent of bread and water—like jailers.

Jessica just graduated from college with a liberal arts degree, but with the economy being so poor, she’s having trouble finding work. So, to tide her over in the meantime, she’s increased her hours at the part-time retail job she’s held since sophomore year…or so she’s told her friends and family.